Now that you have adopted a child and life
is beginning to settle down, you may find
your thoughts moving to the future. When shall
I tell my child that s/he is adopted? How
will s/he feel about it? At what point will
s/he want more information? What will s/he
want to know from me? How can I help my child
feel comfortable about being adopted?
Whether children are
adopted as infants or when they are older,
whether they are healthy or have physical
or psychological problems, their adoption
is bound to influence their development. You
need to understand how and why.
Learning about the developmental stages of
children and what can be expected in each
stage is important to all new parents. When
your child has been adopted, there are additional
considerations. In these pages, we will be
looking at specific issues—separation,
loss, anger, grief, and identity—and
show how they are expressed as your adopted
child grows up. Some of these issues will
be obvious in all stages of development; others
surface at specific times. The more thoroughly
you can understand how your child behaves
and why, the more likely it is that you can
be supportive and help your child to grow
up with healthy self-esteem and the knowledge
that s/he is loved.
While the stages described below correspond
generally to a child's chronological age,
your child's development may vary significantly.
Some children progress more quickly from one
stage to another; others may continue certain
behaviors long past the time you would have
expected. Still others may be substantially
delayed in entering and moving through new
stages. Many characteristics of adolescence,
for instance, may not even appear until your
child's twenties and may persist until your
child's identity has formed.
The First Year
The primary task of a baby is to develop
a sense of trust in the world and come to
view it as a place that is predictable and
reliable. Infants accomplish this through
attachment to their caretakers. During their
early months, children have an inborn capacity
to "bond" to ensure their survival. They express
it through sucking, feeding, smiling, and
cooing, behaviors which, ideally, stimulate
loving responses from their parents (or caretakers).
These pleasant interactions and the parent's
or parents' consistent attention form the
parent-child bond and the foundation for a
child's sense of trust.
During this period, a consistently nurturing
and tension-free environment makes a child
feel secure. The most valuable thing you can
do is to show, through attention and affection,
that you love your child and that your child
can depend on you. If you generally respond
to your child's cries, s/he will learn trust.
If you hug and smile at your child, s/he will
learn to feel content.
Although the need to attach continues for
a long time, the process of separation also
begins in the first year of a child's life.
A milestone is reached when children learn
to separate from their parents by crawling
and then by walking. At the same time, babies
often become fearful of separation. Psychological
separation begins too: babies start, non-verbally,
to express their own wishes and opinions.
Many experts in child development view early
childhood as a series of alternating attachment
and separation phases that establish the child
as an independent person who can relate happily
to family members and friends, and be capable
of having intimate relationships with others.
The Second Year
Toddlers continue the attachment and separation
cycle in more sophisticated ways in the second
year. They learn to tell you how they feel
by reaching their arms out to you and protesting
vigorously when you must leave them. Anxiety
about separating from you heightens, and they
may begin to express anger. During this stage,
when you must guide and protect your child,
you become a "no" sayer. It is not surprising
that your child becomes frustrated and shows
it in new ways. Helpless crying usually comes
first. Later your child may exhibit aggressive
behavior such as throwing things, hitting,
pushing, biting, and pinching. Much of this
behavior is directed toward you but some is
directed at the child's peers. Such behavior
often puzzles and frightens parents. You may
wonder if your child is normal. Adoptive parents
often worry that an unknown genetic trait
is surfacing or that the "orneriness" has
something to do with the adoption. Sometimes
they think ahead to the teenage years and
wonder if these are early warnings of trouble
ahead.
It helps to know that this kind of behavior
is typical of toddlers, who have conflicting
wishes about their push toward autonomy and
their anxiety about separating from you. Almost
all children go through a "me do it myself"
phase, accompanied by temper tantrums and
toilet training battles. Handling tantrums,
setting limits, and encouraging language development
and the expression of feelings consume most
of your time and patience.
In the first 2 years, the stages of attachment,
the beginnings of separation, and the expression
of anger and aggressiveness probably are the
same whether your child is adopted or not.
Even in homes where the word "adoption" has
been used frequently and the child can pronounce
it or even say, "I'm Susie, I was adopted
from Chicago," the words have little meaning.
What is especially important is that your
adopted child has the opportunity to pass
through the attachment and early separation
stages in the same way as a child born to
you.
When older babies or children are adopted,
their capacity to form relationships may have
been disturbed. A series of caretakers and
broken attachments through the first months
of a child's life can complicate adjustment
and compromise the ability to develop trust.
You may need to work much harder to let your
child know that you care and that you will
always be there. Even if your baby received
nurturing care before joining your family,
s/he can still benefit from your understanding
the significance of attachment and the importance
of loving interaction.
If you adopt cross-culturally, it will be
helpful for you to learn about attachment
behavior in that culture. Consider for instance
a family who had adopted a 7-month-old Asian
baby. When the baby cried, she could not be
comforted by holding; she would only quiet
down if she were laid on the floor near her
mother and spoken to softly. Once she became
calmer, she would crawl into her mother's
lap for a hug.
There is another example of a baby adopted
from Peru who needed to sleep with an adult
for the first few months following adoption.
His new crib went unused until he was 15 months
old, when his parents were able to help him
adjust to sleeping alone.
Children who are adopted when they are older
usually follow the same attachment and separation
paths as other children, but possibly in a
different time sequence. This gives you the
opportunity to make up for what might have
been lost or damaged in earlier relationships.
The first 2 years are crucial to personality
development and dramatically influence a child's
future. As you grow into your roles as parents,
your children also will grow into their place
in your family.
Age Two to Six—Identity, Feelings,
and Fears in the Preschool Years
If you thought a lot was happening in your
child's development in the first 2 years,
you will find that the preschool years are
filled with activity and nonstop questions.
Once children learn to speak, they need only
a partner, and the world becomes theirs for
the asking and telling. This is when parents
begin to feel pressure to explain adoption
to their children. It is also when children's
ears are wide open to adult conversation and
they take in so much more than adults once
thought they could. Parents are busy answering
as best they can questions such as why the
sky is blue, why leaves fall off the trees,
why people are different colors, how birds
fly, and why a baby brother cannot join the
family right now. The more comfortable parents
are in trying to answer questions honestly,
the more encouraged their children will be
to learn. A lack of interest in learning often
results from having questions met with too
many "I don't knows" or the obvious indifference
of parents to their children's curiosity.
Sometimes parents feel so embarrassed about
not knowing all the answers to their child's
questions or are so afraid of giving the "wrong"
answer that they ignore a question or change
the subject. In doing so, they often miss
a chance to discuss critical feelings with
their children. For instance, a little girl
visiting a museum with her father asked him
why a woman in a painting was crying. She
wanted him to pick her up so she could see
the painting better, but he felt uncomfortable,
took her hand, and moved on. This would have
been a good opportunity to discuss why people
are sad sometimes and why the little girl
thought the woman in the painting was sad.
Children between 2 and 5 years of age have
fears, especially about being abandoned, getting
lost, or no longer being loved by their parents.
They also engage in "magical" thinking and
do not distinguish reliably between reality
and fantasy. They may be afraid of giants,
monsters, witches, or wild animals.
Children in this age group become increasingly
familiar with separations from loved ones,
often because they are attending daycare or
preschool programs. They also make new friends
outside their family, and their interests
broaden. At the same time, they notice that
their parents do not know everything and cannot
control everything that happens to them. This
can be frightening because it threatens their
sense of security.
As you observe your children and others,
you will notice that both boys and girls imitate
their parents' nurturing and care-taking activities.
They carry, feed, change, and put to bed their
dolls and stuffed animals. They kiss them
and sometimes throw them or hit them. They
are mimicking attachment and separation behaviors.
If a baby enters the family, many 2-, 3-,
and 4-year-olds insist that it is their baby,
that they "borned" it or "adopted" it. Sometimes
a girl will tell you that it is her baby and
that Daddy is the father. A little boy might
say that he is going to "marry Mommy when
Daddy grows up and dies." If you listen, you
will see that your child is trying to make
sense of the relationships in the family and
to find a way to express the strong emotions
of love, hate, and jealousy.
It is puzzling for children to understand
why mom and dad get to sleep together while
they have to sleep with two trucks and a bunny.
You are witnessing what is known as the Electra
complex in girls and the Oedipal complex in
boys. Little girls may feel jealous of their
mothers' grownup relationship with their fathers.
They experience a mix of feelings which includes
wanting to marry Daddy but feeling competitive
and fearful that they will not "measure up."
Little boys may want to be mommy's partner
in everything and show off their developing
"manliness." They do not understand why Daddy
should be included but worry that Daddy will
be upset with them for the way they feel.
All of this behavior is normal for children
this age.
There is also an aggressive, competitive
side to this stage. You may notice behavior
that is challenging, stubborn, and argumentative,
usually directed toward the same-sex parent.
Girls argue with their mothers about what
to wear, what toys to leave at home, and who
is the boss of the baby. Boys want to talk
about what they will do when they grow up,
and even in the most peaceful of families,
they will turn all sorts of items into weapons
which they yearn to use on the draperies,
the baby, and, in frequent moments of frustration
and anger, on Daddy.
These behaviors are part of children's working
out their awareness of their smallness and
insignificance compared to their parents and
their urges toward autonomy and independence.
They want to be big but also want the benefits
of infancy. If they cannot be Mommy or Daddy's
partner, they want to be their "lap babies."
Gradually, the intensity of these feelings
abates. Children's love for their parents
allows them to reconcile the Oedipal or Electra
complex by eventually exchanging the wish
to marry the parent of the opposite sex for
the more realistic desire to grow up to be
like the parent of the same sex.
Some version of this scenario occurs in most
children, even those raised by a single parent.
Sometimes the behavior is expressed directly;
other times it is subtle, recognizable only
through recalling dreams or in pretend play.
Children who have been traumatized or abused
may not show the kind of behavior described
here. They may be seductive or fearful, uncertain
about the appropriateness of being affectionate,
or show symptoms associated with sexual abuse.
These children need special help from their
parents and possibly from a skilled therapist
before they can feel safe enough to express
loving or sexual feelings in their new families.
The National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
(NAIC) factsheet entitled "Parenting the Sexually Abused Child"
is helpful in such cases.
During the preschool years, you may want
to respond to your child with humor and tactfully
explain that when your child grows up, s/he
will find someone just like Mommy or Daddy.
Adopted children inevitably wonder to which
Mommy and Daddy you are referring. Some researchers
believe that this is not the appropriate time
to emphasize a child's birth family (Wieder,
Schecter). It is difficult enough for children
to find their place in the family (as the
youngest child, the oldest, etc.) and to come
to terms with their gender without having
to ponder the meaning of birth parents. It
probably is not even possible for a child
this age to understand this concept yet.
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The Facts of
Life: Where Do I Come From? How Did I Get
Here?
Most 3- to 6-year-olds do not yet understand
the meaning of "being born." If they watch
"Sesame Street" or "Mr. Rogers" on television,
they may have learned something about how
animals are born, and more recently, about
how babies are born. They may then start to
ask questions about this fascinating subject.
Although parents traditionally are nervous
about discussing the facts of life with young
children, the children usually are curious,
unembarrassed, and eager for information.
This is a perfect opportunity to introduce
the subject of where babies come from, how
they get here, and how families are formed.
This information is a valuable stepping stone
in helping your child understand the concept
of adoption. It is a time, too, that may awaken
painful memories about your own infertility
if that was the reason you chose adoption.
Discussing birth and the creation of families
with your child can be an enriching—and
freeing—experience for the whole family.
At this time, adoptive parents must determine
what and when they will tell their children
about their adoption. Many adoption workers
advise parents to introduce the word "adoption"
as early as possible so that it becomes a
comfortable part of a child's vocabulary and
to tell a child, between the ages of 2 and
4 that s/he is adopted. However, some child
welfare experts believe that when children
are placed for adoption before the age of
2 and are of the same race as the parents,
there probably is little to be gained by telling
them about their adoption until they are at
least 4 or 5 years old. Before that time,
they will hear the words but will not understand
the concept.
Dr. Steven Nickman, author of the article
"Losses in Adoption: The Need for Dialogue,"
suggests that the ideal time for telling children
about their adoption appears to be between
the ages of 6 and 8. By the time children
are 6 years old, they usually feel established
enough in their family not to feel threatened
by learning about adoption. Dr. Nickman believes
that preschool children still have fears about
the loss of their parents and their love and
that telling them at that time is too risky.
In addition, there is some question about
whether a child under 6 years of age can understand
the meaning of adoption and be able cognitively
to work through the losses implied by learning
that s/he was born into a different family.
Although it is obvious to adults, young children
often believe that they are either adopted
or born. It is important, when telling them
about their adoption, to help them understand
that they were born first—and that all
children, adopted or not—are conceived
and born in the same way. The birth came first,
then the adoption.
Waiting until adolescence to reveal a child's
adoption to him or her is not recommended.
"Disclosure at that time can be devastating
to children's self-esteem," says Dr. Nickman,
"and to their faith in their parents."
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Children Who Are
Adopted When They Are Older or Who Are of
a Different Race
Children who have been adopted when they
are older than 2 or when they are of a different
race from their adoptive parents need to be
told about their adoption earlier. With older
children, who bring with them memories of
a past, failure to acknowledge those memories
and to have a chance to talk about them can
reinforce the attachment problems inherent
in shifts in caretakers early in life. In
these cases, parents should "work to safeguard
the continuity of the child's experience by
reminding him or her of his earlier living
situation from time to time, still bearing
in mind that too frequent reminders might
arouse fears of losing his present home,"
Dr. Nickman suggests.
If your adopted child is of a different race
or has very different physical features from
your family, you must be cognizant of signs
that s/he is aware of the difference. Your
child may have noticed it, or someone else
may have commented on it. You will want to
explain to your child that the birth process
is the same for everyone but acknowledge that
people in different cultures have distinguishing
physical features and their own rich heritage.
Sometimes children who look different from
the rest of their family need to be assured
that their parents love them and intend to
keep them.
For children with developmental disabilities,
explanations about birth may be simplified
or adjusted to match their ability to comprehend.
When children have expressed no interest in
the subject, it may be that they are not yet
able to benefit from a discussion about it.
In any case, it takes years of periodic returns
to the subject of adoption before your children
will fully grasp its meaning. Meanwhile, it
is most important that you provide an environment
that nourishes and encourages learning and
the understanding of all important family
issues, such as love and aggression, hate
and jealousy, sex and marriage, illness and
death. At least two studies (Kirk, Hoopes
and Stein) suggest that adopted adolescents
were better adjusted if they came from families
where all emotional issues including adoption
were discussed among family members beginning
in early childhood.
Children who learn early that it is all right
to ask questions and be curious usually carry
this behavior over to school and develop a
sense of mastery over their lives. That is
why both attachment and separation behaviors
should be encouraged and endured patiently
by parents. Both are necessary for children
to create their identity and to develop and
sustain intimate relationships.
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Preschoolers' reactions
to adoption are almost entirely affected by
the way their parents feel about the adoption
and the way they handle it with their children.
Children of preschool age will be as excited
about the story of their adoptions as other
children are by the story of their births.
To help make your children feel connected
and an important part of the family, share
with them the excitement that you felt when
you received the telephone call about them,
the frantic trip to pick them up, and how
thrilled everyone in the family was to meet
them. As time goes on and bonds of trust build,
your children will be able to make sense of
their unique adoption stories.
Elementary School Years: Further Steps in
Separation and Identity Formation
Adoption studies of children in this stage
of life are contradictory. While some say
that adopted children experience no more psychological
problems than nonadopted children (Hoopes
and Stein), others find that teachers and
parents report more personality and behavior
problems and find adopted children to be more
dependent, tense, fearful, and hostile (Lindholm
and Touliatos, Brodzinsky).
In general, children who have been adopted
are well within the normal range academically
and emotionally; however, emotional and academic
problems may be greater if children were adopted
after 9 months of age or if they had multiple
placements before being adopted. Since these
children are at greater risk of having attachment
problems, their families should consider early
intervention and treatment services similar
to those available for other adopted children
with special needs.
Middle childhood has often been described
as a blissful period when children play and
visit grandparents, get involved in interesting
activities, and have few responsibilities
or worries. Nonetheless, as adults we know
from our own experiences, that there is a
different side to this period between the
ages of 6 and 11. The more worrisome serious
period is usually experienced in children's
inner lives, as indicated by their dreams
and fantasies. There their feelings are played
out about themselves and their families, their
wish to belong outside of the family circle,
to have attributes that make others admire
them and seek them out, and their contrasting
fears that they are dumb, ugly, mean, and
useless.
At the same time, their horizons are expanding
and they are ready to learn from school, friends,
and other adventures outside of their homes.
Competitive games and team projects attract
them and make them nervous; they search everything
and everyone for signs that they are loved
and acceptable, while worrying that bad things
might happen to pay them back for their seemingly
evil deeds and thoughts.
The chief task of elementary school-aged
children is to master all of the facts, ideas,
and skills that will equip them to progress
toward adolescence and independent life. During
this time, children are supposed to consolidate
their identification with parents and cement
their sense of belonging to their family.
It is no wonder that in such a state, even
without contemporary pressures resulting from
divorce or other family disruptions, that
emotional and behavioral problems frequently
beset elementary school-aged children. Common
problems include hyperactivity, poor school
performance, low self-esteem, aggression,
defiance, stubbornness, troubled relationships
with brothers and sisters, friends, and parents,
lack of confidence, fearfulness, sadness,
depression, and loneliness. Adoptive parents
wonder whether and how much these problems
are caused or influenced by adoption or a
history of faulty attachment.
Smith and Miroff state in their book,
You're
Our Child: The Adoption Experience,
"It is extremely important, and also reassuring,
to realize that the most common source of
problems are developmental changes which follow
a child from infancy to adulthood, not the
fact that the child was or was not adopted."
Why Was I Given Away? Loss and Grief in
Adoption
Loss is a feeling that runs through the lives
of children who have been adopted. It shows
itself in different ways at different stages
of their lives. But knowing that their birth
parents made an adoption plan for them, and
then not hearing a lot of information about
the birth parents, often makes adopted children
feel devalued and affects their self-esteem.
Sometimes they feel as though their status
in society is ambiguous.
The full emotional impact of that loss comes
to children, usually between the ages of 7
and 12, when they are capable of understanding
more about the concept of being adopted. It
happens because they live more in the world
outside of their families and are more tuned
in to the world inside their heads. While
this is a giant step toward self-reliance,
it leaves parents in a quandry about when
and how much adoption information to share,
and uncertain about whether their child is
wanting or dreading to hear it. It is especially
difficult at this time to decide what to do
or say to children who do not inquire about
their birth parents.
Although it may feel awkward, it sometimes
helps to think back to your child's life and
death questions during the preschool years
and introduce the subject yourself. You might
preface your conversation with what you would
say to an adult. For example, "I just want
you to know that if you want to talk about
your adoption, I'd be glad to" or "You haven't
asked much about it lately, and I thought,
now that you're older, you might be thinking
about it in a more grownup way." Such an introduction
gets across to children that you are interested
in talking about the subject and that you
are aware of their getting older and more
sophisticated in their thinking. In any case,
your willingness to "connect" with your children
about their adoptions and not to deny the
difference between being adopted and being
born into a family can help them grieve this
important loss.
You can help your children work through their
loss if you can be nondefensive about their
adoption as well as sensitive to how much
they want or need to talk about it at a given
time. Do not, however, place undue emphasis
on the adoption, as this is likely to make
children feel painfully self-conscious about
it. But if facts and feelings about adoption
are not discussed at all, children's fantasies
about their backgrounds may be acted out unconsciously,
thus carrying out their unconscious self-identification
as an unworthy person.
Once they have understood the biological
facts of life, and something about the social
and cultural aspects of family life in their
community, children of elementary school age
begin to imagine things about their birth
parents. One 7-year-old asked if her birth
mother looked like their 15-year-old neighbor.
An 8-year-old boy asked if his birth father
could have been a friend of the family. A
9-year-old reported to her mother that she
was looking in the shopping malls for a woman
who had a nose like hers.
Although preschoolers want to hear how they
were adopted and entered their homes, older
children discover the reality that their birth
mother relinquished them for adoption and
ask why. Just as preschoolers try to make
sense of reproduction by developing their
own theories and mixing them with what their
parents told them, older children try to reconcile
their own theories with the available facts.
What they learn produces a gamut of emotions
ranging from incredulity to sadness, disappointment,
anger, and guilt. Children may not express
these feelings, but they have to be acknowledged,
lived with, and digested before they develop
a new understanding of adoption and themselves.
Some researchers think that children must
grieve for the loss of the birth parents much
in the same way that infertile couples grieve
for the loss of a biological baby. Some children
feel that they were given up because there
was something wrong with them or because they
were bad. Some become fearful that they will
hurt their adoptive parents' feelings or make
them angry if they want to find out more about
their birth parents. Where preschoolers would
often be quite open about expressing these
feelings, older children have a greater sense
of privacy and are not sure that their parents
can tolerate their questions or feelings.
Older children may, therefore, keep much more
to themselves.
A common situation in children of this age,
which you may recall from your own elementary
school days, is imagining that they had been
adopted or kidnapped from another set of parents
who were usually better in every way than
their own. These parents might have been rich,
or even royalty, and they did not make you
take vitamins, eat spinach, go to bed at 9
p.m., or refuse to let you watch MTV. When
life at home was unpleasant, we could daydream
about this "better" family to soothe our angry
or sad feelings.
These fantasies provide an outlet for times
when children are infuriated or disappointed
by their parents, and when they do not know
how to cope with their anger toward them.
Usually, as a child recognizes that love and
hate, anger and affection, can be felt toward
people without ruining the relationship completely
(i.e., the preschooler's—"I won't be
your best friend any more" changes to the
8-year-old's, "I'm so mad at Jenny that I
won't sit near her at music today"), these
thoughts of another family fade. Then your
children can continue to identify with your
characteristics, activities, and values.
The fantasy world of the adopted child is
complicated by the existence of the birth
parents, and is influenced by whatever information
is available about them. Sometimes the facts
make it more difficult for children to idealize
their birth parents or put pressure on them
to "choose" to "be just like" or "totally
unlike" one or the other set of parents.
Psychological Identification
If your child has had several homes before
yours, there is often a brief honeymoon period
where s/he will try to be perfect to ensure
your love. But soon the sense of loss, hurt,
and anger surfaces. Your child may, consciously
or not, break your rules, steal, lie, or act
out physically or sexually. The child's message
is "I'm going to leave here anyway, so I'd
better make sure I don't get too close" or
"Families don't last, and I'm angry about
that."
You will need to help your children build
trust and gain confidence that you will not
abandon them. Part of that job is helping
your children to develop the psychological
identification that distinguishes them as
individuals.
What is this identification process that
is so critical to success and confidence in
later life? It takes us back to the initial
attachment process, when it is important for
babies to make an emotional connection that
shape their personalities and make them someone
who is a unique individual as well as a member
of a particular family.
During the elementary school-age years, children's
identity comes from a combination of their
genetic heritage, their experience with their
families, and what happens to them as they
try to find their place in the wider world.
They want to be like their peers and their
families.
The creation of a family tree, a common elementary
school assignment which asks children to construct
a portrait of their geographical, ethnic,
historical, and birth connections, offers
an opportunity and a challenge to the adoptive
family. This assignment will bring to the
surface knowledge and ignorance about your
child's background and legitimize discussion
of family facts and secrets.
If there has been openness about adoption
and a sensitivity to not insisting on discussing
adoption when a child is not receptive, parents
will be able to discover from their child
what can and cannot be included in the family
tree assignment. A 10-year-old, after moving
to a new school, said she would like to be
the one to decide whether to tell new classmates
that she was adopted, because now she was
the boss of that information. Is it farfetched
to think that a 10-year-old is old enough
to be "boss" of her adoptive information?
At this age, the child's self-esteem will
flourish if she can feel her parents trust
her as she learns and masters new facts about
herself and the world.
Sometimes during the elementary school years,
before or after the family tree experience,
children learn about heredity, genes, and
"blood relationships." At this time, the adopted
child realizes at the highest cognitive and
emotional level so far, the differences between
biological and adoptive relationships. Reactions
to this information are probably as varied
as the children and include feelings of relief,
a sense of enlightenment, heightened interest
in learning more about birth parents, denial
of any interest, or feelings of loss and grief.
Remember that all adopted children have feelings
about their adoption, and that many times
in their development they will struggle with
why their birth parents made an adoption plan
for them. You can help your children by letting
them know that they are not alone in these
feelings and that it is all right with you
if they express them and try to get explanations
for what puzzles or troubles them. The more
open family discussions have been from the
beginning of verbal communication, the more
likely it is that communication will continue
no matter how intense or complex the subject
becomes.
You may also want to remind yourself and
your child that learning about adoption, like
learning about life, is an ongoing adventure
that you want to share with your child as
much as you can, but that you understand that
some of this learning has to be pursued alone
as well. At this point, your child is old
enough to choose the pace at which s/he wants
to consider these new ideas. However, you
as parents, are still in a position to guide,
instruct, and set limits. A 9-year-old who
wants, suddenly, to look for her birth mother
the day after a fight over bedtime can be
told that Mom feels she has to do some maturing
before she is ready for that step.
Since these are the years when youngsters
appear to seriously confront the "sad side"
of relinquishment and adoption, opportunities
to meet with and talk to other adoptees their
age, as well as with adolescent and adult
adoptees, are beneficial. It helps children
see a bit into their own futures.
Foreign adoptees can benefit from cross-cultural
experiences appropriate to elementary school-aged
children. Some children are thrilled to attend
an adoption family camp or summer program.
Others prefer to process their feelings within
their adoptive families or even alone. The
more sensitive to your child's feelings you
can be, and the more experience you and your
child have in discussing feelings together,
the more consoling and comforting you can
be to each other. You will then survive and
eventually triumph over this period of self-discovery
and grieving.
Adolescence—Who Am I And Where Am I
Going?
No sooner do your children begin to understand
the wonders of biology than their own bodies
begin the surge of growth toward puberty and
the awesome stage of adolescence. Adolescence,
for all its newness—it was not considered
a distinct stage of life until after the first
World War—has quickly acquired a reputation
as a difficult and trying period for children
and parents. Physical growth changes the person
from a child to an adult, in preparation for
procreation, but mental and emotional development
may take years to catch up with the body.
Adolescents' behavior is in transition and
not fixed; their feelings about the world
and their place in it are tentative and changeable,
like a chameleon's.
The adolescent's primary task is to establish
a secure sense of identity; the process is
arduous, timeconsuming, and intense. Establishing
a stable identity includes being able to live
and work on one's own, to maintain a comfortable
position in one's family, and to become a
contributing citizen in one's community.
It is the nature of all adolescents, adopted
or not, to question everything and everyone.
It is also in their parents' nature to worry
about their children's futures and their own
survival in this period. Almost everyone agrees
that, although often extremely difficult,
open communication can smooth the process.
Adolescence is a time of trying on and choosing
in all aspects of life. Two major aspects
of adult identity formation will be choice
of work and choice of a partner to love. Teenagers
look for and imitate role models. They critically
examine their family members (as they did
in elementary school), peers, teachers, and
all the other heroes and anti-heroes the culture
offers from rock musicians and movie stars,
to ball players and politicians, to grandparents
and peers' older brothers and sisters. They
idolize and devalue people, ideas, and religious
concepts. They often bond tightly with peers
in small groups that are intolerant of all
outsiders. They vacillate between criticism
of others and harsh self-criticism. They are
sometimes supremely self-confident and often
in the depths of despair about their abilities
and future success.
If normal adolescence involves a crisis in
identity, it stands to reason that adopted
teenagers will face additional complications
because of what some have called "genealogical
bewilderment" (Sants). The fact that the adoptee
has two sets of parents raises more complicated
questions about ancestral history now that
intellectual development has assumed adult
proportions. The search for possible identification
figures may cause the adolescent to fantasize
more about birth parents, become interested
in specific facts about birth relatives, or
wish to search for or meet them.
Although all adopted adolescents have to
struggle to integrate their fantasies and
future goals with their actual potential and
realities, foreign, biracial, and other cross-cultural
adoptees (as well as teenagers with physical
or emotional disabilities) have additional
challenges. They may suffer more from what
Erik Erikson calls "identity diffusion," i.e.,
feelings of aimlessness, fragmentation, or
alienation. They may appear outwardly more
angry at adoptive parents, and more critical
of what their parents did or did not do to
help them adjust to their adoptive status.
They may withdraw more into themselves, or
conversely feel they need to "set off to see
the world" in hopes of finding their true
identity.
Adolescents often express their reactions
to loss by rebelling against parental standards.
Knowing that they have a different origin
contributes to their need to define themselves
autonomously. According to Dr. Nickman, "An
adopted son or daughter cannot be expected
to be a conformist. If he is, he may be inhibiting
an important part of himself for the sake
of basic security or out of a sense of guilt
or responsibility to his adopters."
It probably helps a child to be told by adoptive
parents that they understand their son or
daughter's need to take control of his or
her own life, and that they stand ready to
assist in any way that they can, including
giving their blessing to a child who needs
to "to go it alone" for a while. Of course,
a youngster under 17 years of age might be
asked to wait until s/he could realistically
manage in whatever environment would be encountered.
[back to top]
Searching
Current adoption practice has mixed opinions
about whether, when, how, and with whose help,
adoptees should look for more information
about or try to initiate a reunion with birth
parents. Information on this process is available
through the Clearinghouse. Adoptive parents
tend to think about their children's wish
to search when they first adopt, and again
when confronted with their angry toddlers.
The topic resurfaces in adolescence, either
raised directly by the child, or when rebellious,
defiant behavior such as threats to run away,
makes parents wonder if their child is wanting
or needing to contact a birth parent. It takes
a parent with sturdy self-esteem and more
confidence than most of us have to withstand
the stony silences and stormy confrontations
with teenagers in turmoil.
Parents are often tempted to escape perhaps
by abandoning their teenagers who are having
toddler-like tantrums, but you and your family
will benefit more if you remain calm, stand
up for the values you have taught, and continue
communication efforts. For some adolescents,
searching can be useful, while for many, the
urgent activities and decisions of daily life
are so pressing that they feel uninterested
in or unable to confront such a heavy emotional
undertaking. Waiting till they have reached
adulthood when their lives will be more settled
may be better for the latter group.
Anger, Sex, and Aggression—Again!
Adopted adolescents have the same trouble
searching for a comfortable identity as do
non-adoptees. Problems involving aggression,
sexual activities and pregnancy, delinquency
and substance abuse, social isolation and
depression are the most common ones faced
by teenagers and their families. Although
there appear to be more adoptees percentage-wise
in adolescent psychiatric treatment programs
than nonadoptees, the majority of these patients
tend to be the multiply placed children whose
problems stem from a variety of sources, often
the least of which is their adoption.
Although sexual identity is an issue for
all adolescents, adopted girls have the additional
burden of conflicting views of motherhood
and sexuality. On one hand there is their
perhaps infertile adoptive mother and, on
the other, the fertility of their birth mother
who did get pregnant and chose not to keep
her baby, or possibly had her child taken
away from her.
No matter how open communication has been,
it is often next to impossible for adolescents
to discuss their feelings about sex with their
parents. Additionally, the adopted girl, unless
she has close friends who are adopted as well,
would have difficulty finding an ear understanding
and sophisticated enough for this discussion.
This may be a time to encourage meeting with
other adopted teenagers, either through an
organized group or informally, to provide
your child with support for some of these
sticky issues. Looking for solutions outside
of the family is also appropriate for an adolescent
for whom one major developmental task is to
learn to separate and live independently.
As adolescents move toward greater autonomy,
a parent's most difficult task is to create
a delicate balance of "to love and let go."
Although there are many times when you could
encourage your toddler—"me do it myself"—or
elementary school-aged child to "try things
alone" or learn a new skill, an adolescent
needs to assert his/her independence by establishing
differences from you, and real distance. The
adolescent needs to take his or her independence
or autonomy, rather than be given it.
This often means a period of estrangement,
lessened communication, or outright strife.
You may want to listen and talk to your friends
who have weathered adolescence with their
biological children to note the similarities,
and as you have tried to do all along, to
understand the differences, acknowledge them,
and try to work on them with your child.
No matter how much you wanted to be parents,
there are many times during the years of child
rearing when you might ask, sometimes in humor,
and sometimes in sadness, "Why did I ever
sign up for this job?" Sometimes you can only
reply feebly, "Well, it sure makes life interesting."
But finally, you must have faith that the
bonding that occurred in the early years between
you and your child, the trust that has built
as s/he grew up, and the communication that
you have established, will come full circle
and provide rich and rewarding relationships
for you and your adult children.
Addendum
When You Need Help
In the last 15 years increasing interest
and research in child development and parenting
has given adoption more attention. Until recently,
once a child was placed for adoption by an
agency, little else was offered about general
child development or rearing; and if the adoption
was a private one, there were no professional
helpers. Adoptive parents tried to educate
themselves through Dr. Benjamin Spock's 1945
edition of Baby and Child Care which
offers helpful but brief guidance about adoption.
Now, in addition to the Clearinghouse, located
in Washington, D.C., and the National Adoption
Center (NAC) located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,
there are State and local organizations and
programs sponsored by adoption agencies that
provide parenting education and other "postadoption"
services. Workshops, conferences, and seminars
keep parents current with knowledge in the
field. There are also support and self-help
groups that offer educational and social activities.
The goals of these services are to support
and maintain healthy family life, to prevent
problems through education, and to make counseling
and mental health services available as soon
as problems appear. For a list of these agencies,
please contact the National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse at (703) 352-3488 or 1 (888)
251-0075 or the National Adoption Center at
1 (800) TO-ADOPT or (215) 735- 9988 in Pennsylvania.
How Do You Know You Need Help?
Usually a parent notices that something is
wrong, either in the family atmosphere or
in a family member. If you have educated yourself
about normal child behavior at different ages,
chances are you will find yourself questioning
behavior in your child that seems out of the
ordinary. Sometimes, a teacher, relative,
or friend asks if you have noticed a problem.
Perhaps your child seems unduly sad or anxious,
unable to concentrate, is angry or flies off
the handle for no obvious reason. You may
see behavior that is unusual or not characteristic
of your child; sometimes it is the increasing
degree of a certain behavior that is troubling.
Perhaps there has been an upsetting event
or change, such as a move or loss of job for
you or your spouse. Children react to any
parental problems that threaten their security.
Elementary school-aged children tend to have
problems around school; often that is the
setting where problems are noticed. Adolescents
tend to have identity concerns and authority
struggles with their parents or other adults.
All of these possibilities can occur in any
family. The adoptive family has the added
concern of trying to decide whether or not
it is an adoption issue that is troubling
the child. If the child is over 6 years of
age, it is usually impossible to distinguish
adoption from other psychological, social,
and educational issues. Treatment must evaluate
the child and family and should consider his
or her stage of development and the nature
of the child's relationship with you (and
sometimes with his or her birth parents).
Finding Help
Before seeking professional counseling, use
your parenting skills to discover if you can
help your child yourself by listening, talking,
or making changes in the environment. If you
feel your child cannot communicate with you
or that your relationship might be part of
the problem, it is wise to seek outside assistance.
Because it is so difficult to disentangle
adoptive issues from those of normal development,
especially once the child has reached elementary
school-age, the adoptive family can benefit
from professional helpers who have experience
working with adoptive families. There are
many varieties of therapy, and advantages
and disadvantages to each. Sometimes the whole
family needs to be involved in therapy. Sometimes
your adopted child needs to deal with problems
alone.
Ask your agency social worker, a friend with
adopted children, your pediatrician, a representative
from an adoptive parent support group, your
local mental health center, or your local
family service agency for recommendations
of appropriate helping professionals. You
can also contact the Clearinghouse or NAC
for referrals.
This article was written for the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse by Elaine
Frank, M.S.W. and edited by Gloria Hochman
in 1990. Ms. Frank is cofounder of After Adoption,
a Philadelphia program that specializes in
postadoption services. She is also on the
Child Psychiatry faculty at the Medical College
of Pennsylvania. Ms. Hochman is Director of
Communications for the National Adoption Center
and an award-winning writer about children
and family issues.
