In 1970, if you had gone to an adoption agency
as a single person and applied for a child,
you would have, unfortunately, been turned
down—it just wasn't done. In fact, in
some States, there were laws against single
parent adoption. Now, thousands of children
in the United States and other countries are
living with single men and women who have
chosen to become parents and who have been
given the opportunity to provide a loving
permanent home for a child. In the last 20
years there has been a steady, sizable increase
in the number of single parent adoptions—some
people feel that it is the fastest growing
trend in the adoption field. Approximately
25 percent of the adoptions of children with
special needs are by single men and women,1 and it is estimated that about
5 percent of all other adoptions are by single
people. The outlook for single parent adoption
is encouraging as it becomes more widely accepted.
In this factsheet, we will look at the reasons
for the growing acceptance of single parent
adoption and discuss some of the questions
that you, as a prospective adoptive parent
may ask as you begin the adoption process.
We will explore, too, some of the issues facing
a single adoptive parent, and learn about
the available resources to guide you in this
exciting new venture.
[back to top]
Why Does A Single Person
Adopt?
Why would a successful, independent single
man or woman want to give up his or her freedom
and assume the responsibilities of raising
a child?
The desire to nurture and to share life as
a family is a strong universal need that is
felt by a large number of people and one that
is not exclusive to married people or couples.
Often a single person finds life incomplete,
as one single woman expressed, "I had a stable
job and could give a child many benefits.
And I had love that needed to be given and
a need to be needed. I wanted some purpose
to my life other than my work and my cat."
Because many women have pursued careers and
put off marriage and having children until
they are older, they find that they have reached
their thirties, without a husband, but with
a compelling desire for a child. Adoption
becomes a viable option for single women who
feel that having a child out-of-wedlock is
unacceptable or who find that they are infertile.
Some men and women feel that they can provide
a better life for the children living in institutions
or foster care or in countries that cannot
provide them with the basic necessities. One
teacher said, "Because I continually saw children
in my special education classes who lived
in institutions or went from foster home to
foster home, I decided that even as a single
parent I could do more for a child."2
Loneliness may be another factor in deciding
to become a single adoptive parent. As Dorothy
Dooley, adoption director at the New York
Foundling Hospital, said, "Loneliness cannot
be your only motivation for adoption but it
certainly could be part of it. The need to
share is a complex human response. If you
care enough about children to want to share
your life with one of them, that's a healthy
need."3
[back to top]
Why Is Single Parent
Adoption Becoming More Prevalent?
A number of factors have encouraged the acceptance
of single parent families. Perhaps most is
the growing number of one-parent households
due to divorce and to unmarried women having
and keeping their children. A recent New
York Times article reported that more
than half of the Nation's 9.8 million African-American
children under 18 years of age, nearly one-third
of the 7 million Hispanic children, and one-fifth
of the Nation's 51.1 million Caucasian children
live with a single parent.4 While women are the primary
caregivers for most of these children, there
are also one million single fathers in this
country.5 With so many children living
in this type of home environment, adoption
agencies have been more willing to consider
unmarried men and women as prospective adopters.
Most of these single parents work full-time
and are financially responsible for their
families. While shouldering the economic burden,
they continue to maintain the home and care
for the children.
The issue of personal finances has become
less important with the availability of adoption
subsidies in almost every State for children
with special needs. This has encouraged those
with limited incomes who are otherwise capable
and willing to adopt to pursue adoption.
The adoption picture has also changed. The
number of healthy Caucasian infants available
for adoption has decreased dramatically due
to birth control, legalized abortion, and
the decision of unwed mothers to keep their
babies. Therefore, agencies have a shortage
of babies to offer couples who are interested
in adoption. Most of the children who are
available for adoption are older or have disabilities.
As the adoption agencies struggle to find
homes for these children, single parent applicants
have become more widely accepted.
Another factor is that single adoptive parents
have proven to be very successful in encouraging
their own acceptance. The latest research
indicates that children raised in single adoptive
parent families compare favorably with other
adopted children and show a healthy involvement
with friends and family as well as in the
activities of their age group. It has been
shown that it is the instability of broken
homes, rather than the absence of a parent,
that causes difficulty for a child 6
In 1985, an 8- year longitudinal study of
22 single adoptive parents reported that the
child care provided by the parents had been
consistent and of high quality. The researchers
stated that, "The single parents of this study
lead busy lives and seem to manage the demands
of jobs, home, and parenting with a sure touch."7
The parents interviewed, who were both African-American
and Caucasian, had adopted young children,
most of whom were under the age of 3. The
authors questioned whether a single parent
placement would be as appropriate for an older
child who has had difficult experiences, since
more older children are available today.
These researchers concluded that "single
parent homes may be particularly suited for
children who need intense and close relationships
and thus particularly appropriate for many
of the older children in foster care who are
now being prepared for permanent homes. For
some children, such a close bond may meet
a need and be a path to normal development."8
[back to top]
What Are the Obstacles?
Despite the greater acceptance of single
parent adoption, the traditional view of parenting,
that a child needs a mother and a father for
healthy growth and development, still exists.
Mental health experts say that the "ideal"
is to place a child in a two-parent home with
a mother and father who are compatible and
loving. However, there are many children for
whom this "ideal" is not possible and many
single people who feel that such bias is unfair.
Your family and friends may be your first
hurdle. They may not understand why anyone
would assume the responsibility for raising
a child alone. They may ask if you have lost
your senses. It may or may not be possible
for you to convince them that you know what
you are doing. One single parent who experienced
this situation advises if this happens to
you, "Be strong! You can't let people around
you tear you down. They may be negative. If
this is your choice, then don't let people
influence you." She added, "Wait until the
child comes and you'll see how involved some
of your friends will get."
Agencies have varying policies in dealing
with single applicants. Some don't accept
them at all. Others may put your application
and request for a home study (a family assessment)
on the back burner while waiting to find a
couple who wants to adopt. The children offered
to you may have disabilities that you cannot
handle or be 12-years-old when you requested
a toddler. If you pursue independent adoption
(a path to adoption with no agency involvement)
birth mothers may balk when they learn you
are single.
Single men face even tougher scrutiny as
they are asked intimate questions about their
sexuality, motives, friends, and living arrangements.
They may be qualified to parent and still
be turned down.
Going at it alone is not easy. Adoptive parents
and agencies, in preparing prospective adoptive
parents, stress the importance of having friends
and family who can lend support and serve
as a back-up system. All the responsibilities
will land squarely on your shoulders, such
as caring for a sick child, picking the child
up at his or her friend's house, choosing
the right school, and speaking to school counselors.
Having a strong network that you can rely
on will ease some of this responsibility and
provide relief from the constant role of parent.
It will also help if you can demonstrate
to a potential adoption agency that you have
thought through some of the long-term implications
of being a single adoptive parent. For example,
if you have evaluated your financial situation
thoroughly before going to an agency, and
can present a realistic picture of how you
plan to provide for a child over the years,
they will see how serious and stable you are.
Also, expect questions about how you will
handle your social life once you become a
parent, and be ready to discuss your feelings
about this in an open, straightforward manner.
You are not expected to give up your adult
relationships when you adopt. In fact it would
be unhealthy for you to do so. However, you
will need to strike a new balance in your
life as you juggle the new role of parent
with your other roles. It would be good for
you to show that you have thought about these
issues in a mature and sensitive manner.
As you approach agencies and other adoption
resources, you have to believe in yourself.
The process may not be a smooth one and you
may have some doors closed to you. But as
one successful adopter put it, "You have to
believe that there is a child somewhere in
the world waiting for you." Your determination
and assertiveness can make your dream come
true.
[back to top]
Who Has Adopted?
All kinds of people choose to adopt—there
is no one "acceptable" type. There are women
and men who are highly educated with well-respected
jobs, high school graduates with blue-collar
jobs, people with grown children, and others
who want to care for a child with special
needs. They are all capable people who have
a lot of love to share. Many are in the "helping"
professions— psychologists, teachers,
nurses—and want to improve the lives
of children.
In spite of the many obstacles often put
in their way, single men do adopt. In fact,
1 out of every 10 members of a national support
organization, the Committee for Single Adoptive
Parents, is a male. Traditionally, there has
been a strong bias against male applicants
by adoption agency personnel. They might think
that, "a single man could not be sensitive
to a child's needs;" or, "a boy needs a mother;"
or, "I wonder what kind of man wants to raise
a child alone."9
These beliefs are diminishing as the number
of men who are successfully caring for children
grows. The rising number of divorced men with
joint custody, coupled with the inroads made
by feminists who expect men to take a larger
role in childrearing, has led to an increase
in the number of men who feel comfortable
and are competent in raising their children.
Adoption agencies have found that single fathers
can be the best placement for boys who need
strong role models and guidance in an accepting,
loving environment. The men who have persevered
and overcome the prejudice are outspoken advocates
for adoption. Taurean Blacque, an actor and
single father of nine, felt that "I had to
give something back . . . to share something."10
Kojo Odo and Father George Clements of Chicago
are prominent examples of men who have made
a major commitment to raising children.
[back to top]
What Are the First Steps?
Lois Gilman, in her thorough and informative
book entitled The
Adoption Resource Book, suggests that
as a prospective adopter, you should begin
by exploring resources that will help you
build your family and that will provide information
and support in the coming years. Her advice
is (1) make contact with adoptive families
and parent groups, (2) obtain general information
from social service agencies and learn any
details about specific adoption programs,
and (3) read.11
Single parents are almost unanimous in extolling
parent groups as a rich resource. These groups
can provide information about which agency
to go to, which social worker to ask for,
and exactly how to proceed. As the process
gets underway, parent group members can provide
support and encouragement as well as stories
of first-hand experiences that can prove invaluable.
A list of parent support groups in your area
and other single parents to talk to is available
by writing to the Committee
For Single Adoptive Parents, P.O. Box
15084, Chevy Chase, MD 20825. The Committee
serves as a clearinghouse for singles seeking
information. The modest membership fee entitles
you to a listing of agencies and other contacts,
with updates, as well as recommended readings
and information about recent adoptions (including
country of origin and age of child).
Meeting or corresponding with other single
parent adoptive families will help you learn
more about adoption first-hand and guide you
in focusing on the type of child you might
consider adopting. For instance, if you think
you want to adopt a foreign child, try to
spend time with a family who has gone through
an intercountry adoption and learn as much
as you can about their experience.
To learn more about the adoption situation
in your State, you will want to contact the
State's Department of Public Welfare or Social
Services and local public and private adoption
agencies. Their addresses can be obtained
from your local phone book or by contacting
the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.
The Clearinghouse can provide listings by
State of agencies and can answer specific
questions about the types of children who
are available. You may choose to find a child
through a private or intercountry adoption,
but as Lois Gilman points out, "touching base
initially with local agencies gives you a
better grasp of adoption in the United States
and in your State today."12
Another resource for this type of information
is the National
Adoption Center, 1500 Walnut Street, Philadelphia,
PA 19102, (215) 735- 9988 or 1-800-TO-ADOPT.
Books on adoption in general and single parent
adoption in particular may be available in
your local library or book store. The bibliography
included with this fact sheet may help you
in gaining an understanding of some of the
relevant issues. Books on child care and development
are also relevant as you consider raising
a child, especially books with sections on
single parenting. The National Adoption Information
Clearinghouse is a valuable resource that
provides information free of charge and can
recommend more books and articles on these
topics.
[back to top]
How Do You Find the
Child That You Want?
Perhaps the most important concept to keep
in mind in searching for a child is determination.
Whether you work with a public agency, pursue
an independent adoption or look to another
country for a child, you must be your own
best advocate and stay focused on your goal
of becoming a parent. This perseverance will
serve you well as you enter the adoption arena.
You may have a good idea of the type of child
you are interested in adopting. Or you may
still be open to considering a variety of
children.
If you are willing to consider an older child,
a disabled child, or a sibling group, you
should approach a public or private agency.
Many are responsible for children who are
living in foster care or institutions, and
who are waiting for permanent homes. Applicants
must meet certain requirements, but depending
on the agency, there is some flexibility in
the selection process. Agencies are eager
to place children with special needs. In general,
an applicant needs to be at least 25 years
old and need not own his or her own home or
have a large income (subsidies are available
for many of these children). Stability, maturity,
and flexibility are characteristics that are
highly valued by agencies. In assessing single
applicants, social workers are particularly
concerned with your plans for child care,
the kind of support network (friends and family)
that can serve as your back-up, and your ability
to provide male or female role models.
A growing number of public agencies acknowledge
that a single adoptive parent may, in fact,
be the "placement of choice" for some children.
Kathryn S. Donley, former Executive Director
of New York Spaulding
for Children sees single adoptive parents
as having special capabilities that can be
especially helpful to children who have had
traumatic histories. They can provide (1)
a high caliber of parenting potential (the
screening process for singles is so exhaustive
that only the most persistent survive), (2)
a simplified environment where the number
of complex relationships is reduced to a minimum,
and (3) focused nurturing. Since the single
parent has fewer distractions, he or she can
perhaps spend a fair amount of time analyzing
and responding to a child's needs and building
a relationship.13
Many of the children available through public
and private agencies are from minority cultures.
Most agencies are hesitant to place a child
of one race with a parent of another race,
and try, whenever possible, to find a parent
of the same ethnic, religious, and racial
background. Some private agencies have religious
affiliations and work primarily with adopters
of that religion.
If you have your heart set on finding an
infant or if you find that a public or private
agency is not responsive to your needs
or eager to work with you, there are other
adoption resources available.
A number of foreign countries will consider
single adoptive parents and have a wider range
of children from whom to choose. At this time,
Brazil, El Salvador, Honduras, Peru, and Bolivia
are among the countries who accept single
applicants and have infants and young children
available for adoption. The volatile nature
of the governments in these countries makes
it difficult to know, with certainty, what
the adoption policy will be over a long period
of time. Most require that an adopter be at
least 25 years old.
Pursuing an intercountry adoption is expensive
and can be complicated, time-consuming and
fraught with uncertainties. It also may be
your best chance of adopting a young, healthy
child. To help you determine whether you are
truly interested in pursuing this type of
adoption, an experienced intercountry adoption
agency, Holt
International Children's Services, has
devised a series of questions and comments
for prospective adoptive parents to consider.
They deal with issues of race (since most
of the children are of Asian, Indian or African
heritage) and of your motivation for adoption.
A copy is included at the end of this paper.
If you are considering foreign adoption,
try to find people who have adopted children
from abroad and meet their children. Attend
parent group meetings where children accompany
their parents and look at photographs of children
from other countries. A child from Chile looks
different from an Indian child or a child
from El Salvador. See if this type of adoption
"feels right" for you.
Betsy Burch, Director of Single Parents Adopting
Children Everywhere (SPACE), a Massachusetts
support group, thinks that singles should
consider adopting siblings. "If you want more
than one child, and you want both children
from the same country, you may want to adopt
them at the same time," she says.14
In doing this, you will not have to deal with
the very changeable international adoption
scene, where a country may accept single adopters
one year and close their doors the next year.
It may also speed the process, since, countries
are eager to keep families intact and will
let you adopt, for instance, an infant with
his 3-year-old brother. The Committee for
Single Adoptive Parents can provide a listing
of adoption agencies that will work with you
to locate a foreign child or children.
Another way to adopt a baby is through an
independent or private adoption. It is important
to find out if it is legal in your State and
then find an attorney or physician willing
to work with you. Like other adoption sources,
singles compete with couples for available
children. In this situation, it is often the
birth mother who makes the final selection.
There are pros and cons to pursuing an independent
adoption. Those who are against this method
of finding a child feel that the screening
process for adoptive parents is not rigorous
enough and that birth parents don't receive
adequate professional counseling before deciding
to make an adoption plan for their child.
In some cases, this lack of preparation may
lead to an uninformed decision and a contested
adoption later on. If for some reason the
placement doesn't work, there is no licensed
agency to accept responsibility for the child.
The child would then become a charge of the
State agency.
Those who have adopted independently cite
the lack of bureaucracy and restrictive selection
by an agency as a positive aspect, especially
if you are single, older than 40, divorced,
or physically handicapped. Many welcome the
chance to speak to and possibly meet the birth
mother and to have some knowledge of her educational
or socioeconomic background. Like foreign
adoption, the costs are high and you may need
to travel to pick up the child.
To learn more about independent adoption,
contact Families for Private Adoption. This
is a District of Columbia based group that
offers workshops and advice, and publishes
a workbook that includes attorneys' names
in the Washington Metropolitan area and contacts
throughout the country. The address is P.O.
Box 6375, Washington, DC, 20015-0375, (202)
722-0338.
[back to top]
What Are the Costs?
Fees at adoption agencies vary. Some agencies
charge no fees—these are usually public
agencies where the children often have special
needs and subsidies can be offered to help
defray the costs of raising the child and
taking care of medical expenses. The subsidy
may include a monthly care payment, medical
assistance coverage, and a one-time cash grant
to offset initial adoption costs. Other agencies
operate on a sliding fee scale, based on a
family's income.
Private agencies deal with children of all
ages. Today many of these children are older
and have special needs. Private agencies operate
differently from public agencies and are usually
set up as nonprofit organizations with a governing
board of directors, rather than as a department
run by a city or State. Many have religious
affiliations, and birth mothers are often
referred by clergy. Most, though, will place
children of all religions. In the case of
older child adoptions, they may also offer
subsidies and may charge no fee or a minimal
one based on income. In the rare instance
where an infant is placed with a single parent,
the adopter sometimes assumes responsibility
for the birth mother's expenses until the
child is placed in a permanent home. These
expenses could include sheltering, legal,
or medical costs which could range from $5,000
to $20,000. The higher figure would be for
a long sheltering period and for a difficult
delivery and extended hospital stay.15
Stanley B. Michelman and Meg Schneider, authors
of The
Private Adoption Handbook, explain
that the costs of independent adoptions can
vary dramatically. They offer a breakdown
of fees, estimating the range to be from $3,000
to $20,000. They advise that fees over $10,000
do not necessarily mean that the adoption
is "black market" or illegal. They state that,
"If your lawyer believes the expenses are
necessary and he or she is willing to fully
disclose to a judge the entire amounts paid,
you can assume that he or she thinks the amounts
involved are reasonable, justifiable, and
legal expenses." They say to "trust your own
feelings and your lawyer's reputation."16
Foreign adoptions are expensive as well.
While the costs in each country differ, they
often are in the same range as domestic adoptions.
The costs will vary depending on whether you
must travel to the country to complete the
adoption, and if you must stay there for a
period of time, how much those expenses are.
To familiarize yourself with the types of
fees associated with intercountry adoption,
you might refer to the aforementioned Adoption
Resource Book for a detailed listing,
17 or
to the Clearinghouse factsheet "Intercountry
Adoption."
[back to top]
What Services Are
Available After the Adoption?
For some children who are adopted, the adjustment
period takes a few months; for others it takes
years. Bringing a child home is not the end
of the process. And despite your strong motivation
and readiness for the job, you may need some
help in making the adjustment to parenthood.
You may find that your shy teenager has become
belligerent, refusing to obey the rules you
have established. Or maybe you have started
to resent the demands on your time that your
baby makes—you are tired and overwhelmed.
Or your daughter refuses to sleep at night
and has nightmares when she does. She may
be afraid that you are not going to keep her,
if she has suffered serious rejections in
the past. All children pose issues for their
parents at various stages of their development.
Adopted children have additional questions
about their identity and heritage that will
need to be addressed.
Whatever the issues, there is help in the
form of postadoption services. Postadoption
services include support groups, therapy,
workshops for adoptive families, and books
and articles that address parenting issues
with a focus on adoption.
More and more licensed adoption agencies
now offer these services and would be the
first resource to contact for help. If you've
adopted through an agency, you probably have
a contact there who can guide you.
Support groups can be invaluable in providing
encouragement, suggesting resources, validating
your feelings, and recommending therapists.
By this point, you are probably already connected
to one. If not, The Committee For Single Adoptive
Parents can help you locate a local group
and put you in touch with experienced single
adopters.
It is important to realize that asking for
help is not a sign of weakness or an indication
of failure. As a single parent, it was your
determination that enabled you to find a child
and get through the adoption process. Using
this strength and resourcefulness to work
on family relationships is a positive way
to establish a new lifestyle, and one that
will benefit you and your family.
For more information, contact the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse at naic@calib.com.
