By Lori Paris
Are you adopted and contemplating a search
for a biological parent? Here is some advice
to consider before you start.
ARE YOU READY?
So, you’re adopted, you thinking about
trying to find your birth parents, how prepared
are you? There is a great deal to think about
when considering a decision of this magnitude,
and believe me, from one who’s been there,
it is of great magnitude. Consider this, you
will be making a decision that will change
your destiny and the destiny of others. This
is not something to be taken lightly. This
decision carries some serious weight, so my
suggestion first and foremost, is for you
to think long and hard about it. Here’s
a list of 20 questions to get you started.
1. What is it, really, that you hope to gain
by finding your birth mom, dad, sibs, or family?
2. Are you only looking for medical history,
or are you searching for identity, or do you
simply want to know the circumstances surrounding
your birth and the reason you were put up
for adoption?
3. Are you fully prepared to alter the direction
of your life?
4. Do you realize that by conducting a search,
and if you are successful, that you are making
a decision that will alter someone else’s
life, without their consent?
5. Are you fully prepared to accept the possibility
that the search may yield unsuccessful results?
6. Are you fully prepared to handle the emotional
consequences involved?
7. Will you be able to accept, if you are
successful, that there may be some people
who will not be happy that you made this choice?
8. Do you believe that if you are successful,
that you and your birth mom/dad will live
happily ever after?
9. Are you angry that your birth parents gave
you up for adoption, whatever the reason may
be?
10. Searches take time, patience, and often
money. Are you willing to wait? Can you afford
it?
11. Do you know, or have an idea of how making
such a decision will impact your adopted family?
Will they support your decision? Will they
be angry or hurt?
12. Are you willing to accept the fact that
one of your birth parents may not be what
you expect?
13. How will you feel, if you are successful
in your search, if your birth parent does
not want contact? Will you be willing to let
it go at that point? Or will you try to “force”
a reunion?
14. Okay, so you meet. You have a reunion.
What will happen afterward? How do you plan
to get to know this person?
15. If there are half or full siblings involved,
how will you feel about them? How will they
feel about you? Are you prepared for them
being possessive of their parent?
16. So you want to have a relationship. How
do you feel about having a built-in extended
family? How will you fit in? What are you
responsibilities and/or obligations to them?
17. If you have children, how will you explain
a “new” family to them? Do you think
it will be wonderful for them to have more
family? Or do you think it will be confusing
for them?
18. Let’s say you meet a birth parent
and you are disappointed and no longer want
contact, but they do. How will you handle
that? Will you be able to define your own
boundaries?
19. Are you mature enough, in age and experience,
to handle whatever curves may come your way?
What about long-term ramifications?
20. Are you looking to fill a void in your
life, or are you simply trying to find a missing
piece of the puzzle? Are you looking for a
mother/father figure, or do you just want
this person to be a part of your life?
Is your head spinning yet? Oops, sorry! No
more questions for now. You’ve already
got an awful lot to think about. Let me explain
why I want you to think this through, I do
not want to deter you, and I certainly am
not trying to change your mind. All I want
you to do is to be careful. I don’t want
to see you have high expectations and then
get hurt. I want you to be sure that your
motives are true. Yes, sometimes fairy tale
endings happen, but often they don’t.
I want you to have you feet on the ground
and your heart in the right place. Remember,
you are changing fate here, it’s a big
responsibility. You must be careful not only
to protect yourself from getting hurt, but
you don’t want to hurt anyone else, do
you? I want you to consider as many possibilities
as you can. It may sound simple. Oh gee! I’m
going to find my birth mom and we’ll
be the best of friends! Obviously, there’s
a lot more to it than that.
I found my birth parents fifteen years ago.
I wrote about that in another article you
might be interested in reading. But over the
last fifteen years, we’ve had many ups
and downs. Many complications. Believe me,
I know of what I speak. There are long-term
ramifications. There are problems. There are
issues and questions. But there is also joy,
love, and compassion. There is also a sense
of feeling more complete than you may have
felt before, because you may get those answers
you’ve been searching for. So, in the
next few paragraphs, let me share with you
some of my own experiences, good and bad.
I did a lot of soul searching before I made
this decision. I felt that I was old enough
(about 30) to handle whatever might come from
making this decision. I asked myself what
it was, that I was hoping to find out. What
I came up with was that I really just wanted
to know about my background. I wanted to try
and find out my biological identity. I was
curious, to put it mildly. And, I never wanted
to have any regrets later in my life.
I hired someone to help me. For me, it was
the only way to go. Not only did I want someone
else to do the legwork, fifteen years ago
we had fewer options than are available now.
But I also wanted someone to act on my behalf.
It was scary to start a search, I wanted a
go-between when we set up a meeting. Fortunately,
it took some time to find my birth mother.
Even though I was impatient and nervous and
afraid, it gave me an opportunity to play
out different scenarios in my head. By the
time we had arranged our meeting, I did feel
prepared to accept whatever I was going to
get.
I was lucky. My birth mother is a wonderful,
kind, sweet, loving person. She had always
wanted to find me, but never tried because
she thought I might not even know I was adopted,
and she didn’t want to be the one to
give me that news.
Since this was such new ground we were treading
here, we took our time in getting to know
one another. That was a good decision. I also
realized that I was not looking for a “mother”.
I had a mother already, the one who raised
me. My birth mother felt more like a sister/close
friend to me.
Yes, there were other kids. Half-sibs. I
was careful in meeting them. They knew about
me, but I didn’t want to impose. We took
it slow. You just can’t become an “instant”
sister. You have no history with these people,
so while you have a blood tie, you can’t
always build relationships based solely on
that.
Thank goodness the other kids didn’t
resent me. Ah, but there were others who did.
First let’s start with my adopted mom.
She was all in favor of me finding my birth
mother. But once I did, my mother didn’t
want me to have anything to do with her. I
should be satisfied that I had met her. Wasn’t
that enough? Well, no it wasn’t. My birth
mother and I had made a connection and I wanted
to continue a relationship with her. Surely
I could have this woman in my life and still
honor my own mother? The answer was no. For
whatever reason, my mother couldn’t accept
it. She would not “share” her daughter.
Even though I had found my birth mother, my
feelings for my adopted mother hadn’t
changed, I still loved her. I always would.
She was my mom. It didn’t matter. I tried
my best to convince her to no avail. We started
arguing about it. Why couldn’t she understand
where I was coming from? Was I being insensitive?
I didn’t think so, but was I going to
have to make a choice? How could I possibly
do that? Here I had been separated from one
mother for thirty years only to have my other
mother ready to throw away thirty years we
had shared as mother and daughter? It was
horrible. I was terribly hurt. My mother felt
betrayed. No one could win.
So I decided to keep the peace. I didn’t
talk to my mother about my birth mother anymore.
I continued to see her, but didn’t tell
my mother about it. I felt deceitful and dishonest.
But I wasn’t going to give up either
one of them. I felt like a sneak, but I didn’t
have a choice. It was the only solution. My
mother pretended my birth mother wasn’t
around. She was happy. My birth mother still
got to see me, she was happy. Me? I was miserable.
Okay, next unhappy person. My maternal grandmother.
My presence made her very uncomfortable. After
all, she was the one who forced the adoption.
She was the one who signed the papers giving
me away. She and my birth mother barely spoke
to each other for years after that. So here
was the bastard child showing up again! It
brought back all those memories for her, my
grandmother. I knew she felt guilty. She even
said to me once, “well, you turned out
okay didn’t you?” Well, yes I guess
I did. But that really wasn’t the point.
I wasn’t angry with grandma, she did
what she thought was best. I didn’t harbor
any resentment at all. But I had been separated
from my birth mother, and I wanted to be in
her life. Sorry that I make you feel uncomfortable,
but that’s not going to make me go away.
Come on, you can’t deny my existence,
it would be easier for you I know. So chalk
another hurt for me. My own grandmother wished
I would disappear.
All right let’s skip ahead another year
or so to my birth father. I hired someone
to find him as well. This was a touchy situation
though. My father never knew about me. That’s
another article right there! But fast forward
to us meeting.
He was very suspicious of me. What did I
want? Did I want money? Some kind of recompense
for him abandoning my birth mother and me?
Of course not. I never “wanted”
anything from this man other than to meet
him. And I thought he should know he had a
daughter and grandchildren. Once we met, my
birth father knew that I had only the best
of intentions. He knew I was his daughter,
I look just like him. He was thrilled actually
(white as a ghost, but thrilled nonetheless)
as he had never had children. Can you imagine?
Being childless, or so you think, and then
having this stranger show up? Wow. So that
was all well and good, but the part that I
am trying to get to here is yet another unhappy
camper in this story. My birth father’s
wife. She had never been able to have children
herself. She had been married to my father
for almost twenty years and wasn’t much
inclined to share him with anyone. Plus the
fact that he had a child with someone else!
You can see how difficult that would be for
her.
She tried, she really did. I have to give
her credit for that. At first, we all got
together, I got to meet other family members.
But little by little, the resentment started
to build until she got to the point where
she just didn’t want to have anything
to do with me. Another blow. Let me tell you,
you can rationalize these things out, try
and understand how someone else if feeling,
but it still hurts. You are being rejected
for reasons that are beyond your control.
You ask yourself, over and over again…did
I do the right thing? I’m so happy that
I found my birth parents, but I’ve made
life difficult for other people, and in doing
so I’ve made life difficult for myself.
I have never intentionally tried to hurt someone,
but my existence hurts them, so they hurt
me back. It’s a tough pill to swallow.
We got to the point where my birth father’s
wife refused to acknowledge me. They would
have terrible fights about me. She was asking
him to make a choice between us (does this
sound familiar?) and he would not. So, we
kept our relationship a secret from then on,
my father and I. Once again, I didn’t
want to do it, but I wanted to keep my father
in my life, so that was that. I could never
call him at home, not even in an emergency.
I could only talk to him at work. The only
time I could see him was when his wife was
out of town. Another sad situation, but you
do what you have to do. I do want you to know,
that over the years, she has mellowed and
has accepted me once again. I live far apart
from my father, so we rarely see each other,
but we keep in touch regularly by phone.
I’ve shared with you the bad side. Now
let’s get to the good stuff. For there
is good stuff, I want you to know that. Everyone
else in both extended families just love me
to death. I mean they really do. My paternal
grandmother, a wonderful woman, just accepted
me as if I had always been a part of the family.
Same with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My
aunt (birth father’s sister) made me
a photo album that took my breath away. She
had pictures of my grandparents and their
children (my father included of course) growing
up. She wanted to give me a visual history
of the family. I don’t know if I have
ever been so touched by anything in my life.
So many people, who didn’t know me,
just immediately loved me. Really loved me.
No hesitation, nothing was required from me.
Complete, unconditional love. Utterly amazing.
Sometimes it can be a bit confusing to have
an “instant” family, but when you
have all of these people who love you, it’s
hard to complain.
I’d like to conclude (there is so much
more to write about, a whole book really,
maybe someday I’ll do that) by saying
that it’s of utmost importance that you
be grounded in reality if you are contemplating
a search. Reunions can be good, or bad, or
both. By sharing some of my own experiences
I hope it gives you food for thought. Nothing
is ever as simple as it seems, and especially
when it comes to such an emotionally charged
issue like adoption.
To start a search, to take that incredible
leap into the unknown you must try and possess
certain qualities. You must be strong, determined,
prepared, mature, willing, and accepting.
You must have reasonable expectations. If
think that finding your birth parents will
(a) make your life complete, (b) enable you
to live happily ever after, and/or (c) will
answer all your questions in life…you
may be seriously disappointed. If you do find
your birth family, you will have your ups
and downs. You will have new obligations and
responsibilities. But this is still a choice,
your choice. You set the limits and the boundaries.
You can set the pace. You can determine how
involved you want to be. Another point I want
to make is that no one is perfect. We all
know that. If you find a birth parent, having
a relationship with them will be no different.
No one is without flaw. I personally find
that comforting.
Do I have any regrets? None. Really. Even
through the tough times I have always known
that this was the right thing to do. It has
answered questions for me. It has meant everything
to me to know where I came from and why I
was given up. It has made me realize that
even though you might be separated from someone
for a very long time, there are some bonds
that are simply unbreakable.
Reprinted by Permission of
the Author Lori Paris.
About the Author:
"An adopted child, I grew up in Southern
California. As a young adult, I searched for
and successfully found both of my birth parents
and continue to share a unique relationship
with them. My experience compelled me to write,
fictionalizing the characters and events.
I now live in one of the most beautiful places,
Lake Tahoe. I am currently working on my second
novel."
Learn more about her first book: "Follow
Your Heart"
Authors website: www.authorsden.com/loriaparis
