What is Open
Adoption ?
An excerpt from the Open Adoption
Pocket Guide by Brenda Romanchik
Used by permission
Ask five people what their definition of open
adoption is and you are likely to get five answers.
Some may think that allowing an expectant parent
to choose the prospective adoptive parents from
a profile of non-identifying information is
an open adoption. Still others may say that
those who met prior to placement and who exchange
pictures and letters after the child is placed
in the adoptive home are participating in an
open adoption. This definition is, in fact,
a variation of a semi-open adoption or openness
in adoption.
So what is an open adoption? The primary difference
between a truly open adoption and a semi-open
adoption is that the adopted child has the potential
of developing a one-on-one relationship with
his or her birthfamily. It is not about the
adoptive parents bestowing birthparents with
the privilege of contact, nor is it about birthparents
merely being available to provide information
over the years. Direct contact, in the form
of letters, phone calls and visits between the
birthfamily and the adopted child, along with
his adoptive family, is essential if they are
to establish their own relationship. After all,
how can we honestly call an adoption open if
the child is not involved?
For many who are just beginning the adoption
process, the concept of open adoption appears
to be another complication they would rather
not deal with. One prospective adoptive mom,
weary from years of infertility, asked me at
an adoption conference, "I am pursuing an international
adoption because I don't want to have to deal
with my child's birthfamily in any way. What
can you say to me that would make me change
my mind and pursue, instead, an open adoption?"
My answer to her was simply this: “No matter
where your child is adopted from, you will,
as adoptive parents, need to ‘deal with’
your child's birthfamily whether you know the
birthfamily or not. This birthfamily is a part
of who your child is. Open adoption allows you
to know your child better by knowing his birthfamily.”
Expectant parents considering placing a child
for adoption are often just as leery of the
prospect of open adoption. Many are told, or
feel, that ongoing contact will make it difficult
to move on with their lives. Some are afraid
that seeing their child will be too painful.
Many worry that their involvement might confuse
the child.
Making open adoption child-centered.
Many adoptive professionals encourage prospective
birthparents and adoptive parents in the pre-placement
process to choose the level of contact “they
are most comfortable with having.” The
philosophy of comfort does not take into consideration
several very important factors, one being that
open adoption should not be based on making
the adults involved comfortable; rather it should
be about providing for the needs of the child.
Much of the open adoption experience is uncomfortable
and awkward, especially in the beginning. While
it is true that many children are only as comfortable
as the adults around them, it is also true that
many of us do things for our children that we
are not totally comfortable with because it
is good for them.
The other factor that the philosophy of comfort
does not take into consideration is that adoption
is a lifelong process. Many birthparents in
the crisis of planning for an adoption look
upon continuing contact as an option too painful
to contemplate. Many adoptive parents, on the
other hand, just want to be a family, without
the added complication of visits with their
child’s birthfamily. Most open adoption
agreements are based on these feelings that
occur around the time of placement. These agreements
do not allow contact to ebb and flow according
to the needs of all involved, most importantly
the child. As time goes on, many birthparents,
adoptive parents, and the adopted child find
they want more contact, but feel they are not
able to ask for more because of the original
agreement. In cases such as these open adoption
becomes a contract instead of a covenant.
According to Webster’s Revised Unabridged
Dictionary, covenant is defined in part as being
one of the strongest and most solemn forms of
contract. It is also described as being sacred.
For open adoption to work best, birthparents
and adoptive parents need to see their involvement
with each other as a sacred commitment, or a
covenant they make to each other for the sake
of the child.
This excerpt is from the Open Adoption Pocket
Guide by Brenda Romanchik. Brenda is a Birthmother
and well known adoption expert. This Pocket
Guide (one of 4 in a series) defines the differences
between openness in adoption and open adoption,
as well as the benefits of open adoption and
how to fully embrace the relationships open
adoption creates. As an added bonus, Jim Gritter,
the author of The Spirit of Open Adoption, has
added two remarkable written pieces. This book
is perfect for understanding and explaining
the richness of the open adoption experience.
To learn
more about this guide go to http://www.adoptionbooks.com/pregnant.cfm.
Select "For Birthmothers" from the drop down
list, then click "Show Book". A complete list
of relevant books, including several by Brenda
Romanchik will be shown.
Also of interest:
Herman, Flory G. “I
Have Roots and Branches” Personal
Reflections on Adoption, May 2004
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