"I haven't told Amy she was adopted and she's
going to start kindergarten soon! Is it too
late? How can I tell her without upsetting
her?" This was one distressed and panicky
mother's dilemma. Many adoptive parents are
concerned about when and how to talk about
adoption with their children. In fact, one
survey of adoptive parents showed that 82
percent wanted information on how to explain
adoption to their children. Considering the
many parents who attend workshops on this
topic at adoption conferences, this is not
surprising.
What This Factsheet Covers
Talking about adoption with your child is
a very important issue, and we cannot cover
everything there is to know in this factsheet.
What we can do is provide you with some basic
guidelines about when to tell your child about
adoption, how to talk to your child, and what
you should and shouldn't say.
This factsheet will also discuss your feelings
about adoption and why it is important to
address them. Children pick up on not only
what you say but also on how you act and the
emotions you display.
Finally, we will discuss helping your child
deal with the attitudes of others, because
the sad fact is that many people in our society
are biased against adoption and adopted children.
[back to top]
Should I Tell My
Child He's Adopted?
In the past, experts urged parents never
to tell their children they were adopted and
to maintain the fiction that the child was
born into the family. There are several major
problems with this advice.
Many experts believe that it's unfair to
the child not to tell him or her about such
an important issue. Not telling also forces
loving parents to lie to their children—for
example, when a 3-year-old asks his adoptive
mother, "Did I grow in your tummy?" In addition,
other people such as relatives and friends
will know about the adoption and may accidentally
or intentionally tell the child about it.
Or the child could discover the information
on his own by finding an adoption decree or
other revealing document. The child could
be quite upset about this and may wonder what
else you have lied about.
How Do I Get Started?
As in talking with your child about sex,
religion, and other complex topics, many experts
suggest you introduce the information little
by little, in a building block fashion. This
allows your child to absorb the information
gradually over the years, as he or she becomes
better able to understand difficult concepts.
When your child is young, questions can be
answered very simply. If he asks where he
came from, he may mean "Chicago, Illinois,"
not his birthmother's womb. Try to understand
what it is the child is seeking. If the child
wants more information, it will be requested.
Sometimes adoptive parents rush in with a
confusing load of information that the child
isn't ready for.
Make it an Ongoing Process
Talking with your child about adoption shouldn't
be a one time thing. Children often need to
have information repeated to them more than
once before they can grasp it. Some experts,
such as psychologist David Brodzinsky, believe
that this is caused by the way children's
thinking abilities develop as they get older.
According to Brodzinsky, parents should not
become anxious or confused if their children
don't fully grasp their explanations the first
time. So don't worry if you explain adoption
to your 4-year-old child and then have to
explain it all again when the child reaches
7 or 8. It doesn't mean your explanations
were inadequate or wrong. It may just be that
your child wasn't ready to grasp such a complex
concept as adoption.
Although you shouldn't expect to tell your
child about adoption when she is 3 and never
mention it again, it need not be a weekly
or even a monthly subject. You know your child
best, so use your own judgment about when
and how to talk about adoption, despite what
the experts say. And remember that each child
will learn the information at his own pace.
What If My Child Gets Upset?
It is important to accept that you can't
protect your child from all pain—no matter
how much every parent would like to. Just
as you can't stop Ryan or Lakeisha from getting
scraped knees, neither can you shield them
from some feelings of pain, loss, and confusion
upon discovering that he or she was adopted.
However, sharing the information in a positive
and caring way can help minimize the hurt.
Show your child that you are willing to answer
questions and admit it when you do not know
the answers. Just letting your child know
that it is okay to talk about adoption will
also help a great deal. Studies strongly suggest
that the more willing the parent is to answer
adoption-related questions, the better the
environment is for the child.
What If I Say the Wrong Thing?
Many adoptive parents feel anxious about
talking with their children about adoption.
They worry that they will say the wrong thing
or not have all the answers. They may clutch
up every time someone brings up the subject
of adoption. Experts say adoptive parents
worry about these things partly because they
think they should be perfect parents.
Being an adoptive parent means that you probably
went through a lot more scrutiny than most
biological parents, such as a home study or
adoption study. You probably also wanted a
child very intensely, and you may have waited
for years for your child. As a result, you
may feel that you must do everything just
right and be the best parent on the block.
In addition, some adoptive parents suffer
from feelings of guilt because they feel they
have kidnapped the child from the birthparents
and deprived them of rearing this wonderful
child. This leads them to think that they
have to be super-parents to prove their worthiness.
Assuming that you adopted your child lawfully,
there is no reason to feel guilty. Perfectionism
is burdensome and self-defeating. Try to accept
imperfection in yourself, and you won't burden
yourself (and perhaps your child) with unrealistic
expectations. No parent is perfect, and your
best should be good enough.
This also applies when you talk to your child
about adoption. No one has all the answers,
and there are no perfect responses. Some of
your child's questions may pull on your heartstrings
and really disturb you. This response is normal
and should be expected. Remember, if you believe
you have made a mistake in explaining adoption
to your child, in almost all cases it can
be corrected.
At What Age Should I Begin?
Experts differ markedly on when a child should
be told about adoption, although most agree
that it should be prior to adolescence. Some
experts recommend waiting until the child
is between 8 and 11 years old and can understand
such a complex subject. Others believe that
children should be told as young as age 3
or 4.
Infants
Experts disagree quite strongly about whether
adoptive parents should use the words "adoption"
or "adopted" around infants. Some experts
believe that repeating, "Ah, you are my beautiful
adopted baby" to your baby while rocking her
to sleep is affirming and can help you get
used to saying the word "adoption" in a warm
and positive way.
Other experts believe that such statements
could harm your feelings of entitlement as
a parent. In his book Healing
the Hurt Child, psychiatrist Denis
Donovan says that "Babies have no need to
`know' about adoption. They need love, care,
nurturance, safety, and challenge." In any
case, the main advantage, if any, is probably
to the adoptive parent rather than to the
child.
Preschoolers
Experts disagree about whether to explain
adoption to preschoolers. Psychiatrist Herbert
Weider feels very strongly that telling your
child he's adopted too early can cause permanent
emotional damage. Says Weider, "My clinical
data unequivocally demonstrate the traumatic
effect of the early communication and its
participation in anxiety, confusion, and regression."
. . . "the needs and development of a child
of 2 or 3 years are not well served by revelation
of his adoptive status. Rather than `forgetting'
the story, my patients continued to be obsessed
with the theme." According to Anne Braff,
"Modern, educated adoptive parents are so
eager to be right, so determined to make no
mistakes. Driven by a compulsion for truth,
they rush to tell their child the secret of
their anguish and joy. Inevitably, they are
too truthful, too joyful, and too soon."
Other experts disagree. According to David
Brodzinsky, "In the preschool years, when
most adoptive couples begin to disclose adoption
information to their children, there is little
evidence of any immediate, adverse reaction
to the information. In fact, young adopted
children often have a very positive view of
adoption . . . . First they generally are
told about being adopted in the context of
a warm, loving, and protective family environment.
Thus, the emotional climate surrounding the
telling process is one which fosters acceptance
and positive self-regard."
Brodzinsky finds that the main problem with
early explanations is that they often don't
stick because the concept of adoption is too
complex for a small child to grasp. Most experts
agree that preschoolers won't be able to understand
the concept of adoption, even when explained
at a very basic level. The problem with this
is that it can cause the parents to mistakenly
believe that their child will need no further
explanations and will continue to view adoption
positively throughout his or her life. In
fact, a team of British therapists speculated
that "It seems almost as though there is a
wish that the child's early incomprehension
should anaesthetize him against the element
of pain that is part of the information, and
that this anesthesia should persist and spare
him pain when he does comprehend. We would
argue that some pain is inseparable from comprehending
that one is adopted."
One problem with delaying the adoption explanation
until a child is around 8 years old is that
young children often know the basic facts
of life well before then. Children as young
as 2 or 3 notice pregnant women and ask questions.
A child may ask whether he grew in his adoptive
mother's tummy. Many adoptive parents simply
tell the child that Mommy did not give birth
to him—that another woman, the birthmother,
gave birth to him, and then he was adopted.
Other parents avoid the issue by lying to
the child, which can backfire on them later
on. Probably the worst thing you can do is
ignore the question altogether. Small children
have extremely vivid imaginations and may
dream up an explanation much more outrageous
than the actual situation. Children need to
know that all children are born, but not all
children are adopted.
If you decide to explain adoption to your
preschooler, simple explanations are the best.
Do not burden your child with the reasons
why the birthparents chose adoption, or your
agonizing soul-searching about whether to
adopt a child. Remember that preschool children
think in very simple, concrete terms and tend
to take everything quite literally. The main
idea you should try to convey to your child
is that he or she was very much wanted by
your family. Try to describe how you felt
when you first learned about your child. What
were you doing when the social worker called
to tell you to come and pick up your child?
Were you so excited that you ran out in your
bathrobe? Simple facts like these, with a
positive emotional overtone, are what your
child needs to hear.
Pre-Teens
Between the ages of 8 and 11, most adopted
children will start to ask questions about
adoption. They may ask, "Who arranged the
adoption? How was it arranged? What does my
birth certificate look like?" It is a good
idea to show children their birth certificate
(that is, the one you have; probably the original
birth certificate is sealed), and to share
much of the information you have, depending
on individual circumstances.
Your child may have seen single parents on
television, and some of his friends may live
with only one parent, so the idea of a woman
placing a child for adoption simply because
she is unmarried may not make much sense to
him. Children at this age are likely to be
very judgmental and see issues in terms of
good and bad—there is no middle ground
for them. Still, they can begin to understand
that sometimes children need to be adopted
and that adoption is a good way to form families.
It is a good idea to bring up the subject
of adoption periodically at appropriate moments.
For example, if a relative becomes pregnant,
a child may start to think and wonder about
her own birth. Or on your child's birthday,
she may be a little sad and reflective and
may wonder about her birthmother. Social worker
and adopted adult Carol Demuth says that birthdays
are ". . . a natural day to `connect' with
the birthmother psychologically. As the adopted
person reflects on his own birth, he will
wonder if his birthmother is thinking of him
too." Rather than asking the child directly,
"Are you thinking about your birthmother?",
you might state, "I'm very proud of you. And
you know what? I think your birthmother would
be proud of you, too." This will give your
child an opening for bringing the subject
up.
Do understand, however, that sometimes the
child will not want to talk about adoption.
In this case you should back off. As long
as the child knows you are open to questions
and discussions, then he or she will ask questions
when the need arises.
Adolescents
Because of their developing sexuality, questions
about their identity, and attempts to break
away and become adults, adolescents are particularly
likely to have questions about adoption. They
are able to understand adoption more fully
than younger children, yet they do not have
the maturity of adulthood.
Adolescents can begin to understand some
of the reasons why birthparents are sometimes
unable to parent a child, such as being too
young, lack of family acceptance, or financial
problems. Your adolescent may be ready to
hear all or most of the information you have
on the birthparents and their reasons for
choosing adoption. Remember, however, that
many adolescents have fragile egos, and some
negative information might better be revealed
when the teenager is older and more mature—for
example, if the child was the result of a
rape or if the birthparents had severe problems
with alcohol or drug abuse.
[back to top]
What Should I
Tell My Child About the Birthparents?
It is important for you to sort out your
own feelings about the birthparents before
you talk to your child. Be assured that no
matter what you say about the birthparents,
the child will pick up on your real feelings.
According to expert Beverly McKay Zimmerman,
adoptive parents ". . . may feel threatened,
jealous, grateful to, disapproving of, or
superior to this unknown couple." Do you think
you know why the birthparents chose adoption?
Can you imagine yourself in the same situation?
Zimmerman says it is crucial to examine these
kinds of feelings and accept them.
It is best not to depict the birthparents
as bad people. If the birthparents are perceived
as bad, the child will conclude that maybe
she is bad too. Even if the birthparents were
highly abusive, it is better (and still true)
to simply say that they were not able to handle
being parents.
The overall goal in describing birthparents
should be to present them as real people.
While adopted children may fantasize that
their birthparents are either wonderful and
exciting people, or that they are drug addicts
or criminals, the reality is that most birthparents
are regular, normal people. They could not
parent the child and so they chose adoption.
Whether they were abusive, drug- dependent,
poor, too young, or whatever—the bottom
line is that they could not parent the child.
If the child wonders what a birthparent looked
like and you know, tell the child. You may
have a photograph of the birthparent which
you can show the preteen child. If the child
has questions and you are not sure of the
answers, you may be able to obtain additional
information from the child placing agency.
Many agencies now offer postplacement services
for families.
If the child expresses worry over the birthmother,
speculating that she is dead, reassure your
child that the birthmother is probably healthy
and safe. It is also important to reassure
your child that the birthmother will not attempt
to reclaim the child—another common fear
of adopted children.
The child may express anger at his birthparents.
One 10-year-old child told his adoptive mother
that he was very angry at his birthparents
for neglecting him and his siblings, who were
later all adopted together. She replied that
his birthparents were just not able to be
parents and had never learned how. The child
said that in that case, he was mad at his
grandparents. The mother replied that perhaps
his grandparents had not learned either. The
child thought and thought and then he said
"Okay, then. If there was anybody who KNEW
and still didn't teach the others, then that
is the person I am mad at." Apparently this
explanation satisfied the child and his anger
lessened.
[back to top]
What Should I
Tell My Child About Why He Was Adopted?
"Your Birthmother Loved You But . . ."
Some social workers and some children's books
encourage adoptive parents to tell their children
that they were placed for adoption because
the birthmother loved the child greatly, even
when the child was severely abused. Experts
strongly disagree.
Dr. Denis Donovan argues that many of his
clients are in therapy because of such statements.
"The `two mother dilemma' and the exculpatory
`she really loved you but . . .' explanation
of the circumstances of relinquishment place
a totally irrational cognitive burden on the
immature and developing mind. Through these
`explanations,' love comes to be equated with
abandonment very early in the child's life,
thus creating potentially serious blocks to
attachment and a sense of unreality and ingenuineness."
Donovan also argues that telling the child
the birthmother chose adoption because she
loved him can cause the child to come to the
conclusion that ". . . there must have been
something wrong with the child—since
what reasonable adult would have given away
a perfectly good baby!"
Another problem with this explanation is
that you love the child too. Does this mean
you might place the child for adoption some
day? The child may also feel that he must
be extra good to merit the sacrifice made
by the birthmother—a sacrifice in which
he had no decisionmaking power.
The birthmother may have been a wonderful
and caring person, but the bottom line was
that she could not parent the child. She may
have loved the child, but that was not her
primary reason for placing the child. Her
primary reason was whatever prevented her
from being able to rear the child.
"The Birthparents Were Poor"
Sometimes adoptive parents are advised to
tell their children that they were adopted
because their parents were poor, or that they
were abandoned at an orphanage. Although it
may be true that the birthparents were poor,
it is best not to emphasize their socioeconomic
status. (In fact, in the United States, most
birthparents come from middle- class families.)
The poverty explanation may cause all sorts
of negative feelings in the child. If they
were poor, why didn't someone help them? The
child is likely to feel sorry for the birthparents
and feel guilty about being adopted. This
is particularly true in the case of international
adoptions. Children adopted from other countries
because of conditions of poverty may begin
to feel a kind of survivor guilt as they grow
into adolescence. They may wonder why they
were adopted while the other kids in the orphanage
had to remain.
Poverty and abandonment explanations seldom
give the whole picture and may be unfair to
the birthparents. In some foreign countries,
birth control may be hard to come by, and
single parenthood may be frowned upon by the
culture.
Thus, social disapproval could have been
a major factor in the adoption decision. Abandoning
the child at an orphanage may have been the
only way the birthmother knew (or the only
legal way) to cause the child to be adopted.
Another problem with the "birthparents were
poor" explanation is that if you should suffer
a financial loss, get laid off from your job,
or even unthinkingly complain about not having
enough money, your child might conclude that
he will be placed for adoption again. After
all, you told the child that poverty was an
acceptable reason for placing a child for
adoption. This is an unspoken and unnecessary
fear for your child to suffer. If you must
emphasize poverty as the reason for your child
being placed for adoption, you should at least
be certain to tell your child that financial
problems would never cause you to consider
adoption.
In summary, it is all right to agree with
the child, if she brings it up, that poverty
may have been a problem for the birthparents,
but it is generally not a good idea to say
that poverty was the only reason for the adoption.
Other Do's and Don'ts
It is important to convey to the child that
the circumstances leading to the adoption
were not the child's fault. Magical thinking
is common in young children, who often believe
that when a parent dies or divorces, they
made it happen by bad thoughts or deeds. Consequently,
they are stricken with horror at what they
have caused.
In one case cited by a psychiatrist, a child
was totally convinced that he was placed for
adoption because he was bad until a therapist
literally backed him into a corner and forced
him to hold an infant. The therapist asked
the child how a baby like this could possibly
be bad, and the child suddenly realized that
it could not, and that he couldn't have been
bad either.
Children also sometimes believe they were
placed for adoption because they were not
good enough to be kept. If the child was adopted
as an infant, emphasize the fact that birthparents
often choose adoption long before the child
is even born. This will show the child that
it could not possibly be his fault that he
was adopted, and that it had nothing to do
with his appearance, behavior, or any other
characteristic.
If the child was adopted as an older child,
the emphasis is more likely to be on the fact
that the parent was unable to be a parent
because of various problems in the parent's
life. Stress the fact that these problems
were unrelated to the child but made the parent
incapable of being a good parent to any
child at that time.
Avoid depicting your family as saviors of
the child, even if that might be society's
view. This places too much of a burden on
the child. If others heap accolades on you
for adopting, especially in the child's presence,
explain politely that the entire family gained
from the adoption, and the child was very
much wanted.
Telling your child that he is "special" or
"chosen" can also be problematic. In most
cases the child was not specifically chosen.
Also, being special could be burdensome for
the child, who may worry whether he or she
can live up to this label. Instead, tell your
child your family was formed by adoption,
which conveys the specialness idea.
If you are religious, you may want to say
that God sent the child to you, and that God
sends some children biologically and others
through adoption. Many adoptive parents strongly
believe in the truth of this statement.
[back to top]
Special Situations
When Your Child Is of a Different Racial/Ethnic
Heritage Than You
If you have adopted a child from another
country or of a different racial or ethnic
background, the child may have many questions,
typically from the preschool years on. Why
is her skin brown and yours a tan color? How
come you have straight hair and hers is curly?
As a result, you will need to explain that
there are many different kinds of people,
some with curly hair, some with straight,
and some with brown skin and some with beige
skin. Let her know that all colors and textures
are attractive. Explain that skin and hair
colors come from the birthparents and that
sometimes children grow up with the parents
they were born to and sometimes children grow
up with parents who adopt them.
The child's racial heritage usually won't
cause problems until she begins school. Teachers
and parents may be very surprised to see a
parent who does not resemble the child. There
may be cruel remarks and tears. You should
be prepared to always strongly support your
child in the face of a sometimes uncaring
world.
When Your Child Was Adopted as an Older
Child
In this case, your child may have experienced
many foster care placements as well as a chaotic
life with his biological parents before he
finally came to your family. He knows his
name and the name of his parents, but he will
probably still be confused and angry about
the situation. Children who were abused by
their birthparents may still long for their
love and may believe that love was withheld
or distorted due to some fault of their own.
It is important to discuss adoption with
your older child. It can also be very helpful
for him or her to meet other adopted children
at social functions of adoptive parent groups.
Open Adoptions
In open adoptions, the identities of the
birthparents and adoptive parents are known
to each other, and there may be some type
of ongoing contact. Thus, the child not only
knows he was adopted, but may even speak to
the birthparents on a regular basis.
At first thought, it may seem unnecessary
to explain adoption to a child under these
circumstances. However, adoptive parents must
still explain to the child why he was adopted.
Just remember to keep in mind your child's
emotional maturity and not give him more information
than he is able to deal with.
According to Judith Schaffer and Christina
Lindstrom, authors of How
to Raise an Adopted Child, often the
birthmother in an open adoption has a relationship
with the child similar to an aunt or friend
of the family and the adopted child generally
calls the birthmother by her first name. When
the child is older, he or she may refer to
the birthmother as "the woman who gave birth
to me."
Sharon Kaplan and Mary Jo Rillera, who are
strong supporters of this type of "cooperative
adoption," state that the child experiencing
this dynamic may need assistance in integrating
information. They also point out that "it
will be important as (s)he grows that there
is a clear understanding of who is the parent
in charge."
For more information on this topic, refer
to the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
factsheet on "Open
Adoption."
Infertility
If you chose to adopt a child because you
or your spouse is infertile, this information
can be shared with your child at any age,
tailored to what the child can understand.
You may wish to skip over this fact or brush
aside that it was painful for you to face
infertility, because you do not want your
child to feel second-best. Don't worry! When
you were seeking a biological child, you had
no idea that some day you would be blessed
with your adopted child. This concept can
be conveyed in words, gestures, and by your
overall attitude.
Be sure to explain that once you realized
you could not have a child biologically, your
strong desire to be a parent remained and
you realized that through adoption, your family
could be made complete. And so you learned
about adoption and ultimately succeeded by
having the right child placed with you: the
child you adopted.
[back to top]
Good and Bad Times To
Talk With Your Child
Experts say that parents should do their
best to answer a child's questions about adoption
when they are asked. This is not always possible.
If you are in the middle of a task requiring
complete concentration, assure the child you
will talk to him or her later, then do not
forget to follow up.
The best times are calm moments (yes, they
do occur!) when you are not distracted by
other things. If your home is too busy, you
could take the child to the park or on a low-key
outing.
When you are looking at family albums or
videos, it may also be a good time to discuss
adoption. It is always important to remember,
however, that you should observe the body
language of your child. If it is very clear
from what your child says and how he acts
that he does not wish to talk about the issue,
then drop it. Occasionally some well-meaning
parents bring up the subject of adoption too
much, and this annoys the child.
Looking at photograph albums or making a
lifebook with your child can provide more
opportunities to talk about adoption and elicit
and respond to questions. A lifebook is a
special kind of scrapbook that documents all
the places a child has lived and the people
that have been important to him, up to and
including the adoptive family. A listing of
books, including some about how to make a
lifebook, is included at the end of this factsheet.
Adoptive parent groups can provide an opportunity
for the child to meet and mingle with other
adopted children and learn that he or she
is not the only adopted child in the world.
Being told that is one thing; seeing it is
another.
Another way to provide information on adoption
is to offer books to your child. When the
child is young, picture books such as Susan
and Gordon Adopt a Baby, Why
Was I Adopted? and many others may
be read to them. When they are older, there
are other more advanced children's books which
can be read to them or which the child may
read to him or herself.
(You can find many of these
books at AdoptionBooks.com)
One of the best ways to convey positive yet
realistic attitudes about adoption is to talk
to your child about adoption in general. Use
natural opportunities. For instance, if you
hear about an upcoming television show with
a favorable adoption theme, try to watch it
together and talk about it afterwards. Your
child will often hear you talk to other people
about adoption. If you sound positive, your
child will pick up on this attitude. If you
become easily offended or angry, your child
will sense that adoption can be problematic.
If a happy medium can be achieved, with the
child knowing about the adoption, understanding
that it is an important part of her life,
and knowing she can ask questions about it,
but not believing it is the primary family
topic that underlies everything, then such
a happy medium is best.
There are also bad times to talk about adoption.
When your family is in a crisis because of
financial problems, family problems, health
problems, or some other distressing situation,
it is not a good time to sit down and talk
to Ashley about how, when and why she was
placed for adoption. If Ashley herself is
demanding an explanation then, tell her that
you need time, whether it is hours or days,
to compose yourself so that you can concentrate
on what she is asking you.
Never discuss adoption when you or your child
are angry or upset. You may be upset due to
the problems mentioned above. Or you may be
very calm but your child may be distraught
over a bad report card. This is not the time
to bring up a discussion about her birthparents.
If you bring up adoption while you're discussing
the report card, she may believe that you
think she is not as bright as her adoptive
family. Otherwise, why would you bring it
up at this time?
The adoption explanation should never be
used as an attack. One adopted adult remembers
with great pain an argument he had with his
parents when he was 18. At the height of the
argument, his father blurted out, "Well, you're
adopted!" The relationship was troubled for
years thereafter. It would have been much
better if his parents had told him about his
adoptive status in a quiet and calm moment.
It still would have been a shock, but it probably
wouldn't have caused a serious break in his
relationship with his parents.
[back to top]
Dealing with Feelings
of Sadness
Although experts disagree about whether or
not a primal attachment to the birthmother
exists (there is no scientific proof of such
an attachment), it is true that there will
be times when you and your child may feel
sad about the adoption.
Small children may feel sad upon learning
that they were not actually born from their
adoptive mother's womb. Some may express a
wish to climb back into the mother's womb
and then be born from her. This comes from
the child's love for the adoptive mother.
You will not be sad that you adopted the child,
but you may also wish the child could have
been born to you. Sharing this wish can be
a very positive and bonding experience for
both parent and child.
The child may feel sadness because his biological
parents are unknown, and he may wonder about
why they really chose adoption, despite what
you tell him. Children often fantasize about
birthparents, particularly when they are angry
with their parents, or at certain ages such
as adolescence. Virtually all children at
some point in time wish they had parents who
were richer, more beautiful, and certainly
less strict than their own parents. Adopted
children are further burdened by knowing that
they do have another set of parents,
the birthparents.
While sad feelings may be difficult to confront,
they are not going to be present all day,
every day. They can be dealt with, and then
both you and your child can get on with the
business of life. They may resurface many
times, but they need not prevent a happy,
fulfilling family life together.
[back to top]
Helping Your Child
Deal with Negative Attitudes from Others
Nearly all adoptive parents will have to
deal with situations when others use negative
or insulting terminology, such as "Your Mom
gave you away." The helplessness and rage
many parents feel when they hear people say
these things can be difficult to handle. A
normally peaceful person may become quite
angry and aggressive in this scenario.
Children will learn, whether you tell them
or not, the sad truth that society in general
does not view adoption very favorably. Your
child will hear upsetting remarks and negative
comments about adoption on the TV, from other
children, from adults, and perhaps even from
teachers. In your own home, hopefully you
will use positive adoption language and talk
about "birthparents" instead of "real parents,"
and "chose adoption" instead of "gave up"
or "gave away." But unfortunately these negative
terms are used by the public and they do hurt.
Helping your child to realize that not everyone
understands adoption is important and will
help him deal with the negativity that (sadly)
he is likely to encounter throughout life.
If someone tells your child he was "given
away," you need to explain that children cannot
be given away. What actually happened was
his birthparents chose adoption because they
were not able to be parents, and the adoption
was approved by a social worker and a judge.
The complexity of this fact may be difficult
to convey. What you need to stress is that
your child was not discarded because
he was of no value. Place the responsibility
for the adoption where it truly lies. It was
a decision made by the birthparents or the
State authorities, and by you, the adopting
parent.
Sometimes people will ask intrusive and hurtful
questions in front of your child, such as
"Do you know anything about her real mother?"
Even 2-year-olds can sense a negative message.
Simply state that you are the parent. If you
want to say more, keep it simple. Always try
to include the child in the conversation if
it is about her so she doesn't feel like an
object being discussed. And don't feel compelled
to answer questions merely out of politeness.
Deflect intrusive questions by saying, "Why
would you want to know that?" or "Why would
you ask such a personal question?"
Author Lois Melina stresses that "information
about children's birth families and their
pre-adoption histories should never be shared
with those outside the family, unless it is
needed by a professional caring for a child.
Parents who provide that information without
discretion are violating their children's
privacy, regardless of whether the information
is positive or negative."
Conclusion
This factsheet has offered some basic advice
and information for adoptive parents on explaining
adoption to your child. Adoptive parents should
take into account how they feel about adoption,
how their child feels, and the child's emotional
maturity. In other words, read the advice
of experts and then make your own educated
decision about when and how to explain adoption
to your child.
Studies indicate that the best attitude is
a willingness to answer questions and approachability
on the part of adoptive parents. In spite
of your best efforts to handle this situation,
sometimes your child will be sad or angry
about being adopted. This does not mean you
have failed. Some negative feelings are normal
and can usually be worked through. Remember
that most adopted children grow up to be well-adjusted
adopted adults.
This factsheet was written in 1993 by
Christine Adamec for the National Adoption
Information Clearinghouse. Ms. Adamec is an
adoptive parent and well-known writer on adoption
whose works include The
Encyclopedia of Adoption and There
Are Babies to Adopt.
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For more information, contact the National
Adoption Information Clearinghouse at naic@calib.com.
